When I was 17 years old, I had an abortion. First time I was with the opposite sex, I got pregnant. I had talked a big game in high school, you know how it is. I acted like I was just so experienced in sex that the guy didn’t even believe it was his. Talk about shame and embarrassment. Not only was I deemed as a “hoe” but I was also seen as a “disappointment”. To make matters worse, I told one of my closest friends first and she ended up tell the whole school about my pregnancy. This betrayal of trust was something that I only thought happened in the movies. After all this, the conversation with my mother, as my father had a very hard time dealing with this and distanced himself, turned to abortion. At 17 years old, I was faced with a horrific life decision that shaped the inner core of my development into a woman. I still remember being at the abortion clinic, crying. Being lead to the dark, cold procedure room where I was violated for the second time in my life. I remember the doctor’s face right before I went under. Waking up in a daze and confused. Stopping at the CVS to throw up and get my medicine. The sleepless nights. The feelings of disappointment I felt in myself for not defending my child.
After all that, I went back to school, not pregnant and it was no secret what I had done. I was vulnerable and exposed. I completed high school and went to college where some very unhealthy habits came into play that I spoke about in my previous post. My focus became replacing what I felt I had loss, filling the void that had been left through my traumatic experience. I didn’t want a boyfriend, I wanted a baby. I wanted a second chance to do the right thing. I got into relationships and tried to get married twice, all in the hopes of having a baby. I believe that if I became a mother, it would fix everything that was “wrong with me”.
What do you believe will “fix” you? We all have focused at some point in our lives on that one thing that will be the miracle cure to our spiritual ailments. It’s not things, it’s not having a baby, getting the job, having the big house, making a ton of money, that will make you whole. It’s God. In my many years of searching for someone to mend my broken heart, longing for that child, I overlooked the most important thing. God provides the healing. How could I possibly at that time pour myself unselfishly into another when I had not allowed God to overflow into me and quench the longings and desires of my heart. It wasn’t the baby that would “fix” me, I long for worth. I had looked to others for validation and acceptance. All those years of shame and embarrassment, I was just looking for someone to see that I was “good”
What is that one thing you are holding on to that you feel is the key to being whole? What traumas in your life are still defining who you are?
I encourage you to throw those things away and submerge yourself deep into the love of God. There you will find Him and there He will reveal all those things that are true. That “cure” you are searching for is in Him. When we look at it from the perspective of enlightenment, we understand that this required finding the light within you. Our situations and circumstances, our past, does not define who we are. I was a grieving mother who never got the chance to properly mourn the loss of my first child. In turn, I internalized all those things that I did not release in the grieving process. Those things became the definition of my identity. Whether it is the loss of a child, loss of a job, or dreams deferred, grant yourself the grace to grieve and let it go. At that point, your heart is open to discovering your divine identity and are free from the lust of void filling.
You are not broken. You are clay in the potter’s hand constantly being formed and molded. You are a flower blooming. Clay is still clay and a flower is still a flower not matter what state it is in. Allow yourself to grow. Take time for introspection. Dig your heels deep into the foundation of God and see how the things you thought were void, were there all along.